What I Thought When I

And there are no questions more painful to ask
Than the ones we know the answers to-
I felt them burning on my tongue so
I spat them out to you-

And now I remember the curls in your hair
And your eyes looking up at me.
There’s things that aren’t polite to talk about
when you’ve got someone on their knees,
But I could never quite focus on the moment,
always dancing away, maybe I’m anxious,
Maybe just hurting. I’ll never let one good thing in, and
If I thought about what you were doing,
I’d surely know catastrophe,
So I pushed it out away from me,
And tried not to twitch or scream,
And thought of-  and thought out-
Of your fingers slipping through my skin-
pushing past my ribs, reaching deep within,
and squeezing lightly on my heart,
Its racing as you finally start-
our minds conjoining with the beat,
we’d ease out of this dying meat-

And I hope something better’s waiting for us
I hope you’re singing about me as I’m
writing about you.
I hope I find something
Unhinged from instinct, because
A desire to breed isn’t much of a reason
to stay alive in this desolate season.

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